If this piece makes you grab your head with both hands and mutter a guilt-soaked "oops...", I've done my day's work.
We deal here, as always, with the human mind and the laws that run it. And where the mind is concerned, let's not be naive: it is far easier to destroy than to build. Far easier to criticize than to praise. Far easier to ignore than to engage.
But if you truly want to wreck the soul of someone close and dear, I have a reliable, field-tested template for you: take your romantic partner, or your child, and punish them for the good things they do.
That will finish them off. I promise.
Now, the explanation.
We all carry an arsenal of ways to punish each other, and we draw from it whenever the other person frustrates us. We'll never admit it — we always declare we "don't believe in punishment" — but come on. We all do it. We all punish.
Here's the twist: the common interpersonal punishments aren't violent or physical. Heaven forbid; we're law-abiding citizens. The two most popular punishment techniques in relationships are criticism and ignoring.
And here's the second twist: criticizing someone, or ignoring someone, for doing something BAD can sting — but it doesn't usually dismantle them.
Why? Because deep down, they expect it. A partner who screamed at you in the mall, a child who broke something precious — they anticipate an unpleasant response. At the very least, they don't expect a medal. Yes, the culprits will defend themselves furiously — preserving self-image is a built-in instinct — but at the unconscious level, everyone in the room knows something unacceptable happened.
More than that: receiving a negative response to a negative act actually strengthens the bond. Because along with the sting, you transmit valuable information — you live in a coherent world where bad acts have consequences. Something in us relaxes when the rebuke is just. We feel safer in the world. We even respect the person who called us out a centimeter more.
But punishing something GOOD? A different story entirely. That one crushes.
Example one — negative feedback: your daughter worked hard to tidy her room. You walk in, sweep an indifferent glance across the little one's kingdom, spot one flaw, and snap: "Why did you shove all the clothes into one pile? Now it'll take me forever to fix!" Well done. You've just cracked the child. Keep it up.
The even more common punishment, though, is ignoring. Examples, plural: You tell him one evening that he looks great in that shirt — he ignores it. You worked hard to make the kitchen shine before she came home — she ignores it. The kid has been fighting for weeks to get to school on time without drama — and there's no encouragement. No praise. Nothing.
When we are punished for a good act, something in us is stunned, then despairs. Our world stops making sense. Our entire psychological infrastructure rests on one basic interpersonal law: good deeds earn reward, bad deeds earn consequence. When that law breaks, we no longer understand the world we live in. It's frightening. It breeds resentment, bitterness, hostility.
One more thing. If there is anything we beg to receive from each other, it is recognition. Recognition that we are good, that we are worthy — and at the most basic level, that we EXIST in your world as someone special.
When you praise the good, you are literally confirming our existence.
When you punish the good — you erase us.
So now that you've finished reading: please. Don't do it.
finally, one for the road:
subconsciously, we always look to our partners to guide us how to treat them. If you punish another person for doing good, you encourage them to treat you like shit