As part of the service our company provides to seekers and improvers of relationships and careers, today we shall analyse the mental position better known as "I deserve it."
I'll try to keep an objective angle free of tantrums, but in fairness I should declare at the outset — generally speaking, this is a rather rotten mental state. Like cigarettes, this element is harmful at any dose. At least we smokers don't kid ourselves that it's healthy.
"I deserve it" is basically about your expectations, but about a particular — and lethal — kind of expectation. No, this isn't the normal expectation of basic care and consideration from the other. That's a fine expectation, and anyone who received reasonable parenting in childhood develops it.
"I deserve it" is already connected to a categorical and uncompromising demand of the other. I demand, usually unconsciously, that:
1] The other give me special treatment, regardless of whether that suits him at present or not.
2] That special treatment is due to me not because of anything the other did to me, but because of things I have been through. And that is the significant and maddeningly egocentric element.
So yes, this is a problematic position, and I am about to talk to you about two kinds of "I deserve it" — one bad and one slightly less bad — but let's say in advance: nobody deserves anything. I don't deserve it. You don't deserve it. Bill Gates doesn't deserve it.
Right, we promised two kinds of "I deserve it," didn't we? Receive them with applause: (a) I deserve it because I suffered; (b) I deserve it because I have accumulated achievements and reached a certain status.
The first kind is lethal and destructive. The second is very irritating and souring.
"I deserve it because I have suffered." Let's start with that.
Understand that when you use your suffering as a promissory note for concessions, you always introduce an enormous element of subjective interpretation — and the person opposite you has no idea what is running through your head.
Obviously we aren't talking about present, authentic physical suffering. If you have just been injured in an accident and are writhing in pain, obviously you deserve an ambulance and immediate care from those around you. If you suffer from a congenital disability, obviously you deserve significant technical adjustments and consideration. That isn't what we're talking about. We're talking here about emotional suffering.
You had a hard childhood? You stood on your feet all day at work and were shouted at? Suitably sad and bleak, but what do you want from me? While various strange things were happening to you, I wasn't static either. Emotions, hopes, thoughts and disappointments crossed both our minds and shook them. Let's be careful to talk and maintain basic pleasantness. That's a better starting point.
Because "I deserve it because I suffered" carries a fiendishly lethal subtext — the retired sufferer places responsibility for his suffering, or more precisely, responsibility for dealing with his suffering, on the person opposite him. What's the problem with that? In most cases, the other person opposite you did not create your suffering, and the last time I checked, no human being likes having a case dumped on them.
Right, I've been depressed enough by that kind. Let's move on to the second: "I deserve it because I have accumulated achievements and reached a status."
This kind is a bit confusing. Various people invest effort — or wangles — and accumulate skills, assets and status. That puts them in a very different position relative to the average. Some are cleverer, better-looking, more muscular, richer or better connected.
And as with the previous kind — good luck to you, but what do you want from me?
Because obviously we are programmed to value ability, wisdom and achievement. We even look — rightly — for such models to imitate all our lives. Society taught us to internalise norms of respect and appreciation toward achievers. The difficulty for couples and professionals begins when:
1) The "I deserve it" type demands far more behavioural and verbal appreciation than the other wants or is able to give. ("Come and kiss my feet every day because I bring home a reasonable living," for instance.)
2) The "I deserve it" person and their partner don't quite agree on the magnitude and prestige of the achievement in question — the teenage daughter thinks she deserves to speak insolently to her parents merely because she has lately been careful to keep a tidy room, and mother and father hold that she is living in a Marvel film.
So let's wrap up: achievements and wisdom and the creativity that leads to achievements are an excellent thing, truly, but let's use them to attain personal and material satisfaction, and leave the pursuit of honour off the pitch. It's a terrible killer of desire.