You're complicating things for no reason.
Believe me: at least half the couple stories I hear in the clinic could have gone so much better, and so much happier, if people stopped playing clever — and stopped guarding their ego instead of guarding their chance at love.
And I won't be gentle just because it's cold outside: it's foolish, you're being foolish (unconsciously), you are doing damage, and it's the worst kind of suffering — unnecessary suffering.
So this morning I convened us all for a purpose: some practical observations about your communication as a couple, especially in moments of friction. Four recommendations. If you don't have the energy for my digging, just remember the mantra in the title: in a relationship — speak simply.
a. Don't psychologize. Ever.
In simpler words: don't analyze each other, and don't hurl psychological jargon at each other — not in peacetime, and certainly not in wartime. Why? First, it creates instant (and justified) resistance. Second, it doesn't signal an honest desire to help; it mostly signals the analyzer's shaky self-image. And besides — you're usually not good at it. Psychology is a professional's game, not a hobby for someone who read ten pop-psych columns and is now Freud's spiritual heir.
b. Quietly draft clear answers to the key questions — in advance.
Remember preparing for finals? Same logic. Walk into a loaded situation mentally prepared; don't improvise, and definitely don't "go with the flow." You are a complex human being, not a garden hose. So before a charged argument — or even during, with a deliberate break — step aside and ask yourself, quietly but honestly: What am I feeling right now? When did it start? What hurt me? What would I want to happen in the good scenario? Only after you have clear answers, return to the conversation.
c. Leave the past alone. Please.
A realistic newsflash: the other person cannot change what happened in the past — certainly not the distant past. So they're seized by helplessness and injustice, which convert very quickly into rage, withdrawal, or impulsiveness. (A generally useful point: in life and in love, it's almost always better to ask "how?" than "why?") Don't excavate the past. And if the entire argument is about things your partner did long ago — in most cases, drop it. The argument, not the partner.
d. Don't declare — ask.
Stop roaring your opinions and explaining to the other person who and what they are. Start making maximal use of question marks. Over-certainty wrecks relationships and hearts at unbelievable rates. The person across from you is probably the world's greatest expert on themselves — so ask them about themselves. Don't rule on their behalf.
And one last point, very loaded, and probably unconscious. I hesitate to give it a section of its own, but I meet it again and again in the clinic, so here it is, plainly:
The advantage and disadvantage of simple speech is that it exposes the truth faster.
And many couples simply do not want to know the truth — that we've reached the end of the road, that I'm no longer drawn to you, that I've lost my respect for you, and similar delights.
So they initiate the endless, convoluted game of conflicts — because they do not want to know.
I could theorize about that tendency at length, but I'll close with one recommendation: placing the simple truth in the middle of the living room can look terrifying, but most of the time it is the only path to somewhere better.
I swear it to you.