Let's jump straight into your despairing living room.
You arrived at that quarrel with all your arguments arranged in your head, and you knew how you wanted to express your pain — and once again you were left with nothing to say.
And it always happens to you. Your partner manages to paralyse you. At the moment of truth, you can't find the words.
Sound familiar? A rhetorical question. Please don't answer.
Let's dismantle a little the myth of "communication between partners." Yes, I know it's important to communicate, and non-violent communication is sugar, and it's important to express feelings, and you have to give the other space, and a whole tower of clichés that sound good on paper but don't really reflect what happens to far too many couples.
A conversation about "what's bothering us" — or an open dialogue about "the problems in the relationship" — is in danger from the very first second of turning into a verbal contest over the question "who's right?" Between us, that is the most natural thing in the world. If I am on trial — openly or covertly — I shall use every weapon immediately available to me in order to defend myself. It's irritating, but it's evolutionary.
And here there is sometimes a problem, in fact two problems — not infrequently one of the partners has a prominent and clear advantage in verbal interactions.
And that can stem from two causes: (a) they have a higher verbal ability; (b) they are more aggressive in a discussion.
And that is bad.
Because if you are the wittier and more verbally sophisticated partner, your partner will be left with nothing to say. If you are the more aggressive one, the more heated and indignant one, your partner will withdraw and be left with nothing to say.
And why is that bad?
Prepare yourselves, here comes the central sentence:
The fact that your partner was left with nothing to say does not mean they have nothing to say.
Once more, we'll repeat the message: the fact that your partner was left with nothing to say does not mean they have nothing to say.
So I have up my sleeve one essential message and one practical message for the many couples who find themselves in these situations.
Let's start with the essential message: internalise, please internalise, that above all, a conversation is not a contest or a wrestling ring for improving my self-image.
Above all, a conversation between two people is a way of exchanging information.
And a conversation with your partner can — and should — be the best source of information regarding the questions: "Where is my partner right now? What are they feeling? What are their plans?"
And it is in your survival interest to know what your partner is going through at this moment. Woe betide you if you don't.
Because if your partner is not given an encouraged opening to express themselves, they will go on withdrawing and closing up (which is bad), or they will choose the behavioural channel and give you, in the future, a reversal you won't know where came from (which is really bad, and a word to the wise is sufficient).
And let's move to the practical message, intended for all the permanent winners of couples' conversations: put the pistol back in the holster, quickly.
You have a prominent verbal or aggressive advantage? Good for you. Draw it in the fields of your career. Where conversations with your beloved are concerned, give up that "advantage" gladly and joyfully. Encourage them to talk. Acknowledge openly that you take over conversations, and focus exclusively on drawing them out.
That will serve your interest in the long term better than anything.