It is lovely that you are in love, and exchanging heated messages, and calling each other by pet names, and flying off to announce to the world that you are in a relationship. All good and well. But what has that to do with a relationship?
Spend six months together, and we will talk.
The beginning of a romantic relationship is deceptive, mainly because it fills you with the sense that this business of love and being together is a fairly simple business.
It is not.
The beginning of a relationship consists mainly of denial.
We labour to deny the complexity. We work to avert our gaze from anything that might threaten the euphoria. We always judge our partner charitably. We do not make an issue of anything. Only let them keep embracing. Only let them keep touching.
In my view, falling in love is evolution's trick for keeping us together long enough to get to know each other and become accustomed.
And then, when the first rain arrives, when the first row breaks over our heads, we will have — perhaps — enough mileage not to fall apart.
And the first row will come. And after it the second. And many more. That is unavoidable, because:
One. The measure of “he really sees me” is disconnected from reality. You could reach retirement without seeing the full range of the conscious and unconscious sides of your own psyche, let alone somebody else's.
Two. The measure of “she should accept me as I am” — really, really not. She is supposed to try to change you and push you towards a more mature position. And the reverse is equally true. You are both creatures who have not finished developing, and therefore who I am is a fluid and fairly meaningless expression.
Three. The measure of “our sex is amazing” — long may it last, genuinely, but allow me to risk a prophecy. One day your sex will stop being amazing. You will become accustomed. You will be preoccupied with the troubles of life. A small tip: if it settles at the level of good-plus, you are entitled to feel grateful.
So I return to the message: the measure of a good relationship is its ability to get through crises.
And how do you know you are in one? Almost always it is an unexpected situation — something neither of you planned for and neither of you has a script for. Which is precisely why it is informative. Anybody can be excellent at the parts they rehearsed.