In the end even I cracked.
The whole world talks about searching for love, prattles about choosing correctly on a date, and I, old as I am, have grown tired of telling you it is a foolish approach.
People go on a date and they are desperate for signs. Everyone longs to know the answer in advance, and torments themselves with the same futile question: how will I know, doctor, that I chose correctly?
I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times — you will not know. But the truth is I have failed to get that message across.
So then I took a drink and said: all right, rise to the challenge. Everybody is looking for signs when choosing a partner. Which signs would you look for?
And I have an answer.
First, a necessary disclaimer. The signs approach is still an idiotic approach, people can change inside a relationship, and regardless — there is no chance you will grasp even a tenth of the complexity of the person opposite you on one date, or even on three.
Now that I have covered myself legally, here are the three signs to look for.
One. Has he ever loved?
Most simply: is there a relationship in his past that lasted at least a year?
Understand this — his exes may be the greatest gift available to you. Because whatever nonsense he talks about himself, if he managed in the past to carry the complexity of a relationship, with its ups and downs, for twelve months or more, then he has an intuitive understanding of partnership and shared conduct, of the challenges and compromises it demands.
Do not listen to his explanations of why they separated and how awful she was. Those are predictable acts of self-image preservation. Go with the dry data. Did he pass the one-year mark? Then there is something to talk about.
Two. Does he have work?
Most simply: if he has held, previously or currently, some position for more than a year, or run his own business for more than a year, that is a very good sign.
The second measure of adult functioning, after romantic stability, is occupational stability. It is a hard, dry and fairly valid indicator of two characteristics you would genuinely want in a future partner: the capacity to bear frustration, and the capacity to occupy himself for several hours a day with something other than himself.
Three. What does he do when he is mildly inconvenienced?
Not tested, not wronged, not provoked. Inconvenienced. The kitchen is out of what he wanted. The table is not ready. The train is late.
This is the most revealing thing available on a first date, and it is entirely free to observe, because he is not performing during it — he does not regard the waiter as part of the assessment.
Whatever he does with a small frustration in front of a stranger is a fair preview of what he will do with a large one in front of you.