What creates love beyond the initial attraction? And once it has been created, what perpetuates it?
How much of our love is a special thing produced by an extraordinary meeting of two hearts that fitted like a key and a lock — and how much of it is universal process?
A hint on the first: not much.
So why do we love?
One. A genetic tendency to attachment.
We are programmed to love. We are prone to developing warm feelings towards whoever grants us protection, compassion and approval. There is a hormonal mechanism that causes men and women to bond.
Two. Fairness.
Fairness is a state in which the rewards people receive from a relationship are proportionate to what they contribute to it. It is relevant exclusively to long relationships. Anyone producing a ledger in the first few weeks is missing the point.
All sorts of ideologues try to dictate the correct doctrine of how to run a fair arrangement. Nonsense. Setting the standards is a subjective matter for each couple. The recommendation is only that the standards be explicit and agreed, rather than assumed and silently scored.
Three. Familiarity.
Which is deeply unromantic and enormously powerful. We come to love what we are repeatedly exposed to, and the effect is strong enough to survive considerable irritation.
Four, and the one people underrate: being known.
Somebody who has seen your worst material and stayed holds a position no new person can occupy, however impressive. That accumulates slowly, cannot be transferred, and is the actual asset a long relationship builds.
Which is why the arithmetic of leaving is so frequently miscalculated. People compare a familiar person at their least flattering with a stranger at their most — and forget that what they would be giving up took fifteen years to make and cannot be bought in.